Tell Your Son to Leave Me Alone

"tell your son to leave me alone" was the text mom got just before we found out you were back together with the ex girlfriend...and she's coming to the hospital to see you...wonder if you'll remember this by the morning time.  There is one thing in this entire world that all your friends and family can't protect you from...that is yourself.  All I can do is sit back and wait.  Keeping wishing on every star that you will continue to recover, and some where in the mix...maybe you'll start remembering each day in secession. 
There comes a time for self perseverance, my brother...  We have a bond that could never be broken...you know this.  I hope the next time I hear about your life, it won't be someone calling from an emergency room.  I can't protect you from yourself, but I certainly won't watch either.
I'm a phone call away when she breaks you again Goonie.
I love you.
May

I missed the company picnic

Maia gives it to me straight, but these people in here are crazy and I am not,

Aunt Dee tells me she loves me,

Dad tells me all about himself,

Elyssa and I remain good friends but I dont want to talk to Kyle until I get better,

I got a call from one of the guys, he was at the company picnic,

Mom is going along with whatever I say,
Cynthia was here today,

Cheryl called to tell me all about herself again, think I am done with her ma,

I told Megan she could kick her ass,

I really miss my WP brothers,

Talked to the shrinks all day today,

It all seems normal doesnt it ~ some of these people have absolutely no way to speak to him or visit him ~

Babe you were in a motorcyle accident ~ your clavicle is broken and your brain is bruised things are jumbled in your brain and the doctors want to help you get it straight. Everytime I talk to you and things get jumbled, you have to take a shower, we talk at least 3 times a day. I am sure you are not showering 3 times a day.

GOOBYE!!!! MOM!!!!

You will be back soon son! I pray for it everyday :)

Send a letter Maria

YES I WOULD LOVE A CARD OR A LETTER!!

Jason Eric Muxlow Room 410
C/O Tampa General Hospital
Rehabilitation Center
6 Tampa General Circle
Tampa, Florida 33606


Everyday if you are obsessive compulsive I do not mind :)

You have to turn the ringer on

Yesterday your social worker gave you bag of clothes to get dressed for your trip across the bridge to rehab. "Bless his heart he took the bag to the restroom and came out dressed"


"He explained the shoes were not his, but were his step-dads, however they would work for the trip."


It would be three more hours before they took you across the bridge. In the meantime we had a chat and you said you were watching a race that took place in the desert. Such peace the races give you, whether it was it was in your mind or on television, I do not care, I can hear the peace in your voice. "Mom, I have to go I have to take a shower." (I am finding this my cue to say goodbye)


Today we spoke at your new room after the nursing unit realized the ringer on your phone was off~and I worry of the care you will receive~again you are in his hands and I have to believe he will take good care of you.

You had a great conversation with Megan and it brightened my heart! I spoke to sis, she is having a much deserved night to herself tonight.

Your extended family is on their way this weekend to bring you some clothes, sketch pad and pencils.

God Bless them all!!

KEEP LOOKING UP!! HE IS THERE!

50 First, First Day After the Accidents

Aw Jay...dang, I feel so bad! Every day either mom or I have to tell you again that you've been in an accident and what all went down between you and the girl you parted with.  We feel terrible telling you because every time we do, it's like the first time you've heard it.  I reminded you of a conversation you had with a friend just before your accident.  You vaguely remember it....and certainly don't recall the entire conversation.  I was the one who told you what had happened today.  Yesterday was Mom's turn. 
It seemed as though you understood very clearly what I was saying...and I was thankful for that.  Some times, when we tell you this story...you insist that the clavicle is an injury from high school...that the bruising and scabbing on your head is from a "do rag"...broken ribs are from some thing else...but today you seemed to accept that you had a bike accident.  You said that you loved me very much but that you had to get off the phone because you needed to go outside.   I'm not sure if you really went outside?  or what?  I'm thinking maybe you went to smoke or something...But just before you disconnected, you said, "I'll call you back from my cell phone"
And my heart just sank.  That thing you keep dialing as a "cell phone" is the remote control to the tv....the social worker has (and has had for a couple days now) your cell phone as well as some of your personal affects. You get upset when people don't text you or phone you back because you believe you've texted or phoned them via the tv remote.
Perhaps moving into rehab soon! YAY!  The gal you recently broke up with (wow crazy town brudda) brought your identification to Aussie (?) today.  Megan P sent me a text...once again, Megan to the rescue!! Haha = ) So now that we can officially say what name is attached to that mug of yours, they should be able to get you over to that rehab center and locked into emergency medicaid. Wahoo!
I was told today that the rehab center was going to be pretty intense.  I hope you're not going to be a pain in the butt! hahaha
You remind us of the movie "50 First Dates"...where we are literally reminding you of where you are and why and how at the start of every day.  The doctors say this is the way to start the day, and this is what we should be doing.
Your bike accident, what the injuries are, and the break up....you had a really bad day that monday...Holy Grilled Cheezus Jay!

Short Term Memory Loss

Well, they gave you three words Jay.  You were supposed to remember them as well as remember the order they were given in.  You were able to recall the first one...but at least you were able to do that!  The doc says, at this time, you are suffering from short term memory loss.
There are many times when you are "with it" but then certain things happen where it reminds us that you have been hurt. = (
Like today for example.  You were dialing my phone number on the remote control...believing that it would call me.  And I realize, I don't believe I have your cell number....hmmm...I'll have to remedy that.
Anyhow, today was a "trying to identify" you day! Not an easy thing to do! They went to the DMV to get a print out of your record with your photo on it...but no luck.  Just need something with your mug on it and your name as well.  There is no other like you! But that's not enough for the paperwork.
I miss you.  I know that's not a status update, lol! But I really do miss you.
We heard more about the rehab for your damaged bean.  Apparently, friends and family contact is supposed to stay at a minimum.  It has something to do with the recovery of the brain...reducing stimulus and allowing you to focus...focus...on recovery.  The audiologist also saw you and said you have a very minimal loss of speech...most likely a temporary thing.
When you are asked a question that seems as though it confuses you...your eyes go wide open and you search around the room.  Almost like you are looking for the answers on the walls.  I imagine there are times when you must get pretty scared...or confused...not being able to recall things, or not being able to understand "why"....
I hope you get to start your rehab soon brother...the sooner you start, the sooner you'll finish.

Roadway Sign Language

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a photo of you where you aren't making either "the shocker" or the "middle finger"?
**sigh**
Thats my Jay!

They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab, I said..."No No NO"

Hiya Jay!
So the doctor came in and spoke with mom and said they want to send you to the inpatient rehab center just across the parking lot...there at Tampa General Hospital.  At first they said one to two weeks...and now it's changed to three to four weeks.  After that, the doc thinks you should be able to live on your own!  They spoke of disability papers as well.  (there are a few kittens trying to get their mittens on your personal affairs, so I'm excluding some things on here brudda)  You are getting irritated and agitated with a lot of things...mostly being told what you can and can not do (which I say isn't anything to do with your recent head injury, haha!)  But Mom is thinking it might be time for her to go home.  It seems that you are coherent most times...and you have a really good idea of what you do and do not want to do!
The doc also tells us today that you've injured both sides of your frontal lobe...so it wasn't just the left side of the brain, it was both the left and right hemispheres of the frontal lobe....WOW!  Also says you are doing extraordinarily well for someone with that much of an injury. 
You got irritated with mom today because you wanted to contact Cheryl.  You don't remember what's happened with her, at all...and you text her a few times to ask "where are you".  Its a bit heart breaking for those of us who know the story...but there is nothing we can to do stop you from jumping from this frying pan back into the flame.
Mom...and every one else...knows you are irritated and agitated as a result of this brain injury...and you must know, this is normal for this type of injury.  Its another reason why rehab is going to be so important.  After a head injury bro, things change.  And you have to focus on your coping abilities...give your actions much greater thought and rationalize them FIRST.  Not just your actions...but your reactions and your emotions.  Frontal lobe damage is some serious business.  I have so much hope for you...I know this road has just begun...but I have faith you'll make it.  A lot of people are pulling for you Jay!
I sent an email to Cynthia's mother today bud.  I was completely respectful and said you were hurt and asking where Cyn was...I also said I would love to have some part of my nephews lives....She didn't reply and she blocked me on Facebook. 
Today also brought about a bit of frustration...where is Jay's wallet and paperwork! Ahhhhh!! Stokes and Megan were at your house trying to find all these things = )
The sun will be rising there in Florida in just a few hours...the start of a new day Goonie.  Let us see what this one brings.

(I think this was the first time you were dropped on yer head)

(hheeheheehehee)

Next Step

Well Jay, the hospital did their job...as far as getting you back walking, talking, eating, and pooing....now they want you out.  so tomorrow we find out where you are going.  There are two options apparently... the first is to go to an inpatient clinic...that is just across from where you are now at Tampa General.  The second option is to go home....to your house and use the outpatient services that they will hook you up with. 
Today you were a bit off on your stories and time lines again.  You thought Kyle was just three and a half years old and that you crashed your car on the way to Amy's brothers funeral.  (just repeating what you've said cuz I don't know these events)  Mom just said ok...because it was making you upset when she would tell you that wasn't correct.
I did get to talk to you today, and I told you to stop moving that darm arm!!  you said, "yeah yeah"
And Stokes & Megan came to see you today.  They are taking care of your living space and getting it ready for when you  come home.
I love you Jay...Keep on healing!!

Me and the Guys

I am watching you sleep now after the doctor comes in to talk to you about the accident. He asks you about how it happened and you recall the story as you have made it in your mind. "Me and guys were out riding and I got hit from behind but nobody else did." 

"got hit by a white crown vic" this part of the story remains the same"

"I got brought here by the ambulance" Why? Looks at mom.

I am starting to see this look of fear in your eyes "mom?" "you were in an accident honey bumped your head and broke your clavicle, I told you yesterday and I will tell you everyday. It's okay, you will remember someday, today you dont have to remember, okay."

"Kay ma"

Mom tells doctor..he was flown here by helicopter, he was riding alone..."oh...this story is not true?" Doh!! read the charts dude...

"Where is Jessica...?" "shes at her moms"..."oh"

Sleep..son.. "kay ma"

Thank you all for your continued prayers...

A Sisters Selfishness

Jay...ok please forgive me for not posting on how your day was...I just got on my computer to do so...but mom sent me a video to give me an idea of just how confused you are...and I am having a very selfish moment. I want to scream and cry...I feel like a part of ME is broken. there is a heavy feeling on my chest and a choke stuck in my throat. Its just not fair...and there is a storm in my head that keeps screaming, THIS ISN'T FAIR! i want to shake my fists at the sky and curse this "GOD"......i want to fall to pieces and cry and pound my fists into the earth....so I think....I'm just going to go to bed for now Goonie. I promise to post on your blog first thing tomorrow. I love you Jay. My Jay.

The Shadows are Longest at Night Goonie

Today....was a really hard day for you.  You cried a lot.  You are very confused and very lost.  Jay Jay, focus...I'm telling you in my mind, "focus brother....focus". 
Good motor function today...which means walking and peeing went well.  But your mental status is really taking a beating.  You are lost in so many different times in your life.  Some times you don't remember that you have children, some times you think you have less children than you do.  Some times you think you live in Michigan, and once you said you were currently in "Westlake".  Some times you recognize whats happened to you and some times you don't recognize mom.  At some points, you are telling mom that Cynthia is at work..and she was riding on your bike with you when you got hit.  You say you see a fella who has blood from his ears, and you watch him go to the ER and you are watching all these people around him.  It wasn't you that flew off your bike...no, you are standing next to your bike.  And your head is not injured...those marks are "from a rag you wear [on your head] at work"..."Don't worry mom, those are just from work".  But when you see yourself in the mirror in the bathroom, you recognize that your head is hurt.  You scratch your head and get very scared when mom tells you that you were in an accident...and the reason you are so lost is because you've hurt your head.  But you get scared Goonie, and the darkness comes again...and you are lost.  Mom lays with you to calm you....you actually take her head put it on your chest and she listens to your heart beat...and thanks God that there is one.  She hears that it is strong...and hopes to all things merciful in this universe...that your mind will become as strong as your heart.  Boy brother...you know the truth of it is...no matter where we think we roam in this life, we always come back to the beginning.  It was you and mom before it was any of the rest of us.  And in the beginning, it was just you and mom...in a hospital bed together...while she listened to your heartbeat...and even then, prayed for you before herself.
You beg her for help as your mind drifts between these different stages and times of your life.  As though scenes from your life are being played on a stage...then the curtain closes for a while...and when it reopens, there is another backdrop, with yet another scene.  All the world is a stage Jay Jay, and we are just its players. ; )  When you are at your worst, mom reads Leaves of Grass to you.  I may have given her the hint that it would bring you comfort.  She says, with tears in your eyes...she begins to read, and you wink at her...and close your eyes and listen.
Today is the first time we hear of the hospital wanting to transfer you...to a rehab center.  Not sure, just yet, what they are thinking...but I feel its completely too soon.
I wonder now...if you didn't leave us for a time Jay.  Maybe that nurse in the ER wasn't too far off. You describe to mom, seeing a body just like yours, laying in a hospital bed, with blood coming from the ears.  But its not you...because you are standing next to your bike, smiling that contagious grin of yours, as the light from the sun dances and reflects off the metal of your motorcycle.
The shadows are longest in the evening Goonie, and at night they fall all around us.  I know you feel like you are in a very dark place, all around you is darkness...and you are searching...searching...searching to understand anything! But look closer brother...focus on our eyes.  Here we are!  You are surrounded by so many of us, sheltering over you, circling around you...so many of us that we block the light! We are here.  Feel our energy and borrow from our strength.  If you reach out...not matter which direction, there is a hand there to grasp.

It was a huge Crown Vic hit me from behind..

Today was a hard day. Mom reminded me that 4 Days ago I was dead, today I wiped my own ass and walked on water 75 feet. How do you like that Motherfuckers?

WPFFWP

Goonies Never Die....Now Focus

Yesterday, you had a hard time recalling where you lived, what year we were in...and you didn't recognize mom either.... As a matter of fact, you told the nurse she was Aunt Norma...then when they asked you again, you said, Aunt Delores...Be careful there bud!!! HAHAHA! Depending on whats going on in the family, that could be dangerous! You took out your iv's today too. You took one right out of your arm (on the hurt side) and handed it to mom! Like "here ya go...i don't need this" A rebel to your core...= )
 You also were able to go to the bathroom by yourself...which is a big huge deal because it means your brain remembers how to tell your body how to walk. Thats an awesome thing Goonie. And probably felt good to pee on your own. Mom read me your MRI results and your meds list. They have moved you mostly onto non-narcotic pain meds, but you are still quite out of it. They put you on one of my favorite non-narcs that I give my own patients, Toradol. It's like the superman of non-narc pain meds. We're taking it day by day bud. You also ate about three bites of food too. Some chicken and some mac n cheese. Mom sent me a video of you saying, "Love you Goonie"...I can't tell you how much that made me cry. "Keep fighting Jay, and focus...focus...focus" is what I told you on the phone, you said "yes ma'm"

Some Where Lost in Sleep

You find a few things worth fighting for....your children.

Wait...What?....Wait...What?

Mom.
Mom arrives the next day to Florida.  I was happy to tell her one the phone just before you boarded, that things we a lot better than dead!  As a matter of fact, they were wanting to lift the sedation, and take out your breathing tube.  So they slowly reduce the amount of sedation you are receiving and for about thirty minutes they give you a bit of hyperoxygenation, and then remove the tube.  Crash has to leave your room to take care of an incident, so he missed it when you said the f-word a couple times to the nurse!  Directly after this was when I was able to speak to your nurse.  She told she had just removed the breathing tube and you told her how you felt about the thing....in a mumbled half spoken sort of manner.  She said you are beginning to respond when people speak...and that's the best we could hope for so soon.
There was a follow up CT to see if the bleeding in the frontal lobe of your brain had gotten any larger.  The answer was "No". Whew! 
It was also this day that Megan P puts out a notice: "Sorry for those who were told Jay was dead.  He's NOT dead, REPEAT NOT DEAD!"  haha, how many times does a gal say that in her lifetime.  It is also on this day where we really start seeing that this gal is really something else...a godsend, if you will.  The word is out that Jay aka HotRod is not dead...and they begin posting words of encouragement all over your facebook, and our cell phones go CRAZY!!!
You also were able to speak a bit.  You remembered that you crashed your bike, and you remembered the events of the day.  We also learn that the ICU is going to transfer you out because they are confident that you are not in danger of your life.  When I spoke to your nurse, I say...."I'm a nurse too, give it to me straight" She tells me they were shocked that you made it.  She said they had spoke of calling the transplant team.  You don't look too ugly...not much more than normal...but it doesn't take too much injury appearing on the outside of the head, for there to be devastating injuries inside. 
Mom arrives today, and you recognize her...but went a little nuts.  You began to yell, and thrash around and beg her to help you...you stated you were in so much pain....please help me, please help me...the nurse comes in with morphine and you fall back "asleep".

Mom n Jay

Back in the nineteen hundreds

That Night

Sure enough Jay, when they backed off your meds to check for brain activity...it was there!! You YOU were there still!! This was a good sign, a wonderful sign! You didn't want to follow any commands, but you were alive.  The had to sedate you because you were thrashing around...a lot.  Megan P described it to me as the worst she's ever seen.  Because of the sedation, they had to place a breathing tube in your throat and hook you up to the ventilator.  Crash says, during brief moments when you sort of, kind of, came through...you would cough, and react as though you weren't happy about this breathing tube.
"So what has he won?!"
Go big or go home hey bro? Broken ribs, broken clavicle, fractured spine, fractured skull, broken scapula, and a bleeding brain.
This ended day one.  And just as he said, Crash stayed with you through the night...and forced himself to get a bit of asleep while listening to the rhythm of the ventilator that was breathing for his brother.

Attention Whore

Haha! Hi brother! This is May posting...your favorite (& incidentally only) sister! Mom wanted to start a blog to keep all your friends and extended family up to date on things.  You have SOOOOO many friends & family, that we just can't keep up with all the texts and emails!
The low down, you crashed your bike.  The sister....and nurse....says "AHHHH!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO HELMET!?!?!"  But I've learned a few things lately...about bikers, lol! And I completely respect your biker family...good people Jay Jay.  I'm glad you found them.
The first thing we heard from the ER...was that you were brain dead.  A nurse in the ER told mom that you had no brain activity, and she had mom identify you by the "ONE" tattoo on your neck.  She was in shock...and hysterics...at the same time.  When I spoke to her...and she told me the news, I think I just went numb.  The nurse had told mom that she needed to be there within 24hrs...I knew why.  Those organs inside of you are only good for so long.  A sickening sinking feeling.  Dear brother...I can't begin to tell you that hell that immediately encompassed us.
SO! My next conversation was with a fella named Stokes.  I introduced myself as your sister and said...please tell me whats happened.  He explained you went off the road on your motorcycle and got hurt quite badly.  When he said you didn't have a helmet on, well...my next words weren't too kind.  (for this I apologized to his girl Megan)  He handed the phone over to Crash.  Man, was I relieved to hear Crash was there....I knew him! I think I began to cry at that moment.  Now...when he told me that they were taking you up to the ICU, I about had a heart attack!! They don't take dead people to the ICU!!!!! I said, "Crash, talk slow and talk fast!" He explained some of the injuries they could see initially, and that they were taking you to the ICU to test for brain activity. At that moment, he vowed that he wouldn't be leaving your side until he knew you were going to make it.  He explained everything that he knew about the events leading up to the accident, then told me every thing he knew- I would know as fast as he could get the info to me.
I called mom immediately... I'm thinking, "MOM!!! MOM!!! HE'S ALIVE!!!"  When I told her that you weren't gone...we both sat in silence for a minute...then she told me she was on a flight first thing the next day and that the bike club had arranged everything!

Always the center of attention, ; )

well, ours at least.